Commitment is “Whatever it Takes”

If you have done Production assisting in Landmark or attended any Landmark Education Program you are likely to have heard the above phrase, over and over again.

In the beginning, for me, it was a slogan, yet another one of those one liners to say in the face of everything that stops you from getting what you want or doing what needs to be done. The war cry before raging ahead no matter what the odds. It was about doing more than you have ever done before. It was about fighting spirit and never say die attitude.

I realized recently that this interpretation of mine was misled again (This has been happening to me quite frequently since I started the Landmark Journey). I had been hit yet again by “understanding”.

Let me elucidate by example. I love my sleep, so much so that I get withdrawal symptoms if I have a lack of it. I will be groggy, unfocussed and basically unproductive. Of course life has the habit of hitting you where it hurts again and again and again and again.

My waterloo began with Pranaya breaking her schedule of sleeping for about 4 hrs every night from 1-5 am. This schedule was awesome for me, I could easily get 4 hrs of sleep which is enough to get past being groggy. The schedule became 3 Am wake up and asleep again at about 7Am. Then work required me to be in the office by 930Am in the morning on Wednesday Mornings. This meant I had to leave home by 8, which required a get up by 730Am. Late night meetings with other teams meant I could only sleep by 1Am.

There was no 4hr stretch where I could just go to sleep. The result I was groggy throughout the day and got little or no work done.

I looked at my commitments and decided that I had to do “Whatever it takes” to fulfill on them. To me it was all about burning the waking ours, more coffee, more tea anything to keep me awake. But it did’nt work.

Ultimately, however many times I reminded myself about the slogan above I was still unproductive at the end of the day. So self motivation this way was not working.

Looking at how to transform this, I noticed that once I had not slept for the “required” number of hours I let myself off for the rest of the day. I would’nt do anything, and nothing I could do would motivate me. It was as if I was telling myself that I “deserved” to stop working because of the lack of sleep! Of course my environment agreed with me, they were all enrolled into this conversation. “Ofcourse you should sleep! , how can you think of working? Go home!” ( Its interesting that my wife would have none of it , the woes of marrying an IL ).

So I had to simply give up this sympathy and glory that I was getting from my environment. What I was getting (the payoff) by holding onto this conversation was a lot of sympathy and glory… “Oh poor thing, he is such a hard worker”… “Hey hows the baby? You should go home and rest”…”Hey Param, go take rest, we will handle this…”…. And hey I was getting my sympathy and glory! what more did I want in life

But it isn’t what I am committed to. What I am committed to is my word in the matter of my life, not some cheap glory and sympathy. The cost I was paying is the life I wanted to lead.

“Whatever it takes” is not about doing more, war cries or any of that. Its about giving up whatever is in the way of you taking action. In my case it was a hankering for fame and sympathy.

In life if there is something that is not happening despite efforts, its usually because of some conversation that is in the way. You need to disappear whatever it takes to make it happen. That means giving up stories and conversations that are in the way.

Its not easy, It takes something, as these conversations are meanings in your life. They are the Gita that built your life to be what it is till date. You will be hit by the same indignation that Lord Krishna met when he asked Arjuna to give up all forms of religiosity and simple surrender unto him. “WHAT?%$#$$ those are the things I have always wanted all my life. They are what make me feel important and allow me to succeed in life!@!!!, You want me to give up all that???”. But in the end its worth it.

Go on, go get what you are committed to, just give up whats in the way…. its empty and meaningless anyway….

Father

The father sat nervously outside the operating theatre. The word fidget would not do justice to the anxious shivering his body had resorted to, to dispense of some nervous energy.

 

This was one show he would gladly see a spoiler, but there were no pirated copies out there, only remakes after remakes each with their quirks. Some romantic comedies, some tragedies and still others romantic comedies with a tragic ending. This promised to be unique, a once in a lifetime experience.

 

‘Room’ would be too grandiose a term to describe the 8ft by 3ft waiting area where he was seated. In the corner was a shoe rack, where the doctors deposited their shoes before they entered the OT. It was on this that the father sat wishing that he was some sort of sterilized foot wear that could gain entry into the OT to see his destiny unfold.

 

Inside the OT the father’s wife was being operated to liberate their first child.

 

The closeness of the walls lended them a familiarity and the father bounced his thoughts off them, hoping for some reassurance. But walls only have ears and so there were no suggestions or assurance, just the huge listening of a black hole, absorbing everything without a twitch of acknowledgement or emotion.

 

“if its a boy, will i be able to stop him from creating a nuisance ? or will he be a torment to me even after retirement?” he thought.
“If its a girl will she look after herself ? or will i spend my life looking over her shoulder?”
“Whatever happens I will have to look after them and guide them” he realized. “Do I know what I am doing here ? Can I guide someone that well ?”
“The penalty for screwing up is very high.”

” I am not ready” he realized. “Need to tell the doctor, stop! I am not ready”

 

The clear cry of a newborn halted his thoughts. Within moments the door of the OT opened and the doctor, still dressed in operation robes, held the wailing baby in her arms.

 

The father stepped forward and touched the baby. The bundle of joy had arrived albeit born weeping. The universe had declared him father, there was nothing more to do than be just that. Looking at the angelic face of the baby he felt love surge in his heart, and he realized “you know it could be fun”.

The New Year: The past

Its the end of the year and every publication worth its salt is looking back at the year gone by. “The winners and losers of the year gone by” “The sexiest of the year” “The movers and shakers of 2011″ go the headlines.

Its so ingrained in our psyche that the end is the place to look back, measure, judge and evaluate. For many of us its the only time we do and if my life is in anyway representative of most lives, its a time to say “sh#t, where did the year go?”.

And so I am sitting here today writing this blog, looking at what all happened this year. In the order of how they hit me as I write.

1. I fell in love and got married

This is probably the shocker of the year. Never planned this, never saw it coming. Looking back the last 6 months of marriage are probably a mix of my best days and my worst. I got a whole new family and interestingly I love them too! I am the man now for atleast one special person and with that comes the expected and much advertised love (who would have thought!)  thing and this new responsibility (who would have thought!) thing. Oh yeah and waiting eagerly for junior now.

2. LandMark Education

4 and a half courses later I have taken my life back from the autopilot, with all its sorry broken pieces, and am rebuilding with abandon. Still facing and breaking barriers in my life and other’s, and slowly coming to the sober realization that the jerk is here to stay and transformation is a continuous process. And finally, still trying to be chillaxe through it all

3. My Swift

my constant companion, from the early morning struggle to office, to the late night icecream cravings of wifey. And when I am disempowered at how life is treating me, I see an open road, I pound the accelerator and the whoomph of the turbo kicks me back to life.

4. My Guitar

so I know 2 songs and I can tune the damn thing. But even this is a victory over the past!

5. Zynga goes IPO

it happened. I had very little to do with it.

6. babies, kids and gifts!!!

lots of “new kids on the block” with many friends going the family way (me included). A new entry into my life is this whole gifting thing. I have never been much of a gifter, I blame my friends who have failed (repeatedly) to gift me, even with all the opportunities available But now with the extended family, its like war!!! A slew of gifts has to be returned with another and the war goes on. Do I like it, Yes and No. I like it when its incoming and there is this pinch to the heart when its outgoing, followed by happiness as you see the recipient glow.

7. Socializing

Since my marriage, you would be hardpressed to see me alone, brooding about life or any other solitary activity. Its like, people are everywhere and at all times!! Leave me alone for gods sake!!!! (just kidding). So theres always someone around, at home, at their homes, in class (landmark), at office and strangely I am in communication with them! (yep me! would you believe that). The icing of the cake is I also host parties !

8. My Samsung S2

My first 5 digit phone (as in price). I was so much in awe of the 5 digits, that I kept it in my draw for a whole week, too scared to carry it around. Anyway its out now and for all you cynics out there, you were right, I still havent coded a single App yet!

9.  Kashmir and Thailand

Two trips, Kashmir and Thailand, first on honeymoon and the other with the company. Both were awesome.

10. 50 pushups in 3 sets and looking healthy (a tad fat)

I could do a 100 in 3 sets once. Lost the momentum for a month now, lets restart in the new year.

phew! got to 10!

 

Life: It only means what you make it

So, there are a group of people who think that life is suffering and there is the other group who think its all about enjoying yourself to the max. Both take their views seriously enough to die for them. But maybe suffering and enjoyment are just different views of this thing called “life” that has been given to us. For most the experience of life can be improved manifold by changing this view.
Its interesting to note that our greatest accomplishments occur when handling our greatest problems, and both accomplishments and enjoyment are necessary for a satisfied and happy life. Suffering is just a view of problems that have not moved for a while, or we have given up on or something that just should not be (because noone else has it or its painful or…..).
So what view should we have? Can I make a suggestion? How about this:
Life is a design problem and as always there are constraints (barriers to get what you want), So maximize what it is you want. But you know what makes life easy is that you can want anything you want to want and choose to not want what others may want,coz there is no gold standard out there. So find out what you really want and design life with that as central and in the bargain you might not get what others have/or want, but you know, that doesnt make your life any less and in need of improvement In fact life is always a fun adventure in pursuit of what one wants or more appropriately what one “chooses” to want.

The adventure of life

So in a sense life is always great and ultimately we have something or dont have something and it doesnt mean anything unless we make it mean something.
So lets just handle our life as an adventure to get what we want and sometimes there are barriers in getting what we want, which we can either attack with passion and overcome or give up with the understanding that its not really *needed* in life for life to be great.
Finally a look at why we want certain things could reveal we only want it because someone else wants it or its important to some people and in truth we really dont want it!

Nanowrimo

Writing a novel, is living vicariously in a world you create through the eyes of a person you create.

I have decided to take on the nanowrimo challenge in November. A one month race to write a complete novel.
Not the Best, Not the next booker, but a complete novel.

My ulterior motive is to brainstorm and create a structure for a novel I hope to publish by April of Next year.

The novel is about a young Orphan Ichtaca and how he deals with his life.

Looking for the big game

On Jan 17th, while on a trip to mumbai for a friends wedding, I got a call from a friend whom I hadn’t talked to for almost 8 months. After the “where were you dude?” and “whats happening” conversation he suddenly switched to a more controlled vocal meter and began. ” I attended landmark forum and….

“hmmm” I thought, “this I guess is the real reason for his call“.
Controlling my skepticism, I heard him out.

After sharing a little about his experience, he invited me for a Tuesday evening free session to introduce me to the course. Being a friend he warned me that there would be guerrilla marketing going on, but he would protect me as much as possible. I wasn’t too inspired, but hell, what else does one do on a Tuesday evening?

So Tuesday came, and the reminder call came, and I reached, albeit a little late. Surprisingly they started on time, and warned us in the beginning that it would go quite late. After a little gyan, the presenter asked for a volunteer. One bakra raised his hand and went on stage. What followed was really quite gripping. Starting with the volunteer’s complaint against the world, the presenter stripped away the layers of lies and half truths through conversation, until all that was left was the real person and his false perception of his world, and everyone in the audience knew that the message was meant for us all. In the end I found myself pressed back in my chair, as if I had been attacked, I didn’t understand my emotions at that time but I was interested. I saw the credit-card-swiping machine and swiped away a weekend of my life to landmark.

Two weeks later, without any expectations at all, and 10 minutes late, I found myself in a room of 230 people from all walks of life, Medicine, banks, biotech, business, house-wives, septuagenarians, physically challenged, college kids and of-course the ubiquitous software engineer.

The facilitator arrived, and we were underway. I wouldn’t be able to do justice to what happened, so I am not going to even try to describe it. In short though, in the days that followed, 230 people shared their lives, their pains and joys, their successful relationships and the broken ones and everything else that blocked them and gave them freedom in their lives. It was a roller-coaster ride of emotions, inspiring at times and sometimes palpably painful. Through expert guidance and a lot of “technology” we were given tips how to make our lives extraordinary and given assignments to begin the fixing process, which had to be finished in the short breaks. I met a lot of people from many walks of life, and many will remain friends forever.

The course is not easy, and requires you to place your life in the conversation. Trust me, its a heavy commitment, but the results will surprise you.

If I were to pick 3 things that hit me from the course (which I hope to convert to T-shirts someday), they would be (plagiarized from the trainers words)

“In Life, Hunt Big Game”

“Play all out” and

“All things begin with integrity”

figure it out or visit a forum

An interesting puzzle

I stumbled across this puzzle on a shopping trip to landmark (forum). I tried solving it at the store, but couldn’t, so took it home with me. After a couple of fruitless hours, I came to the conclusion that the only way to solve it was brute force, and as the number of combinations was 9^9 (9 to the power of 9), I needed a computer to solve it.
I have made a crude representation of the same below.

A neat puzzle

The letters represent color coded connectors.
b -> blue
B -> brown
y -> yellow
r -> red
g -> green

The Square grid at the top is the playboard. It is divided into nine parts of equal size and if you notice the “connectors” of each part match with adjacent connectors. You will also see at the bottom of the picture 8 “separate” cards. Each has a combination of connectors on it. The “separate” cards can be rotated on the plane of your screen. You need to place all 8 cards on the playboard so that all the adjacent connectors are of the same colour. Note that one of the squares will be from the playboard itself.

My first impulse was to go for brain-dead brute force, but it was way too slow, and unluckily for me, the solution was not in the early part of the combinatorial explosion. The basic problem I found is that I was spending too much time on configurations that were not physically viable (i.e no repeated cards etc). I decided I needed a better way to come up with the combinations that are valid.

What I needed was someway to create combinations without repeating the cards. I decided a tree would be best. With each level of the tree having to choose from the cards left after previous level’s choices. Python provides the ‘set’ builtin which can be used for this purpose.

>>> a=[1,2,3,4,5]
>>> b=[2]
>>> print str(set(a) – set(b))
set([1,3,4,5])
>>>

I tried creating a walkable dictionary in recursive way, but it was too heavy for my VM to handle. So instead of creating a dictionary I decided to check combinations as I found them in the tree. What this means is that I do a depth first walk of the tree and when I hit a leaf I check if it is a valid solution. Doing this I could check all possible configurations of a particular placement in 3 seconds.

Some explanation of terms before I go on. A “placement” is when I have decided where to put a “card”, while a “configuration” is when I have also decided the rotation of each card. Number of placements is slightly less than 9^9 while the number of configurations is (4*9)^9

I tried python threads, but that was slower than the threadless version (this is because the python interpreter is not thread safe, so only one thread can be on the cpu at a time, even if you have multiple cpu’s)

I then optimized the code a bit more by flagging a fail case as early as possible in the checking code. This way I could bring the time to check all possible configurations of a particular placement to about 1 second. 9^9 seconds was still too much. I still hadn’t even found a single solution.

Finally, I pushed the checking code as early as possible in the tree walk so that the moment you have a clash in the placement you shave off a whole subtree and voila, 5 seconds for all possible solutions. I then tried the solution on the board I had bought and it worked!

The heart of the code is below, (a bit messy, thanks to all the optimization) [a '>' means single tab, '>>' means 2 tabs and so on]

# this function basically does a quick check with whatever data we have collected so far.
# as you can see it only checks for consistency with squares to the left and above
def checkBehind(self, y, x):
> index = (y*3 + x)*2
> indexup = ((y-1)*3 + x)*2
> indexback = (y*3 + (x-1))*2
> board = (self.getPiece(self.config[index], self.config[index+1],x,y));
> boardup = (self.getPiece(self.config[indexup], self.config[indexup+1],x,y-1));
> boardback = (self.getPiece(self.config[indexback], self.config[indexback+1],x-1,y));
> if x!=0:
>> if board[3] != boardback[1]:
>>>return False;
> if y!=0:
>> if board[0] != boardup[2]:
>>> return False;
> return True

def descendTree(self, possibilities, prevChoice, depth):
> newNode=(possibilities - prevChoice)
> if len(possibilities) == 1:
>> # end of the road so check it
>> self.createCheckConfigBoard() # this is the final check function which will check squares to the right and bottom.
>> return
> for i in newNode:
>> for j in range(0,4):
>>> self.config[(depth*2)+1]=i;
>>> self.config[(depth*2)]=j;
>>> if self.checkBehind(depth/3,depth%3):
>>>> self.parseTree(newNode,set([i]),depth+1)
> return

# create a tree of all possibilities and run the tree
def searchTree(self):
> self.solutionNum=0
> self.possibilityNum = 0;
> possibilities=[0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8]
> depth = 0;
> for i in possibilities:
>> for j in range(0,4):
>>> self.config[(depth*2)+1]=i;
>>> self.config[(depth*2)]=j;
>>> self.descendTree(set(possibilities),set([i]),depth+1)